Imagine my surprise then when a coworker of mine, during an otherwise mundane lunchtime conversation a few weeks back, tells me that having children is selfish. Yes, selfish! And this guy knows I have kids!
Well, Seattle is a “progressive” town and I know that kids cramp a lot of people’s secular, three-martini lifestyles around here, but to have someone come right out and say it to my face…I was gobsmacked to say the least. How does one in my situation—fresh off steam cleaning orange puke from the living room carpet—respond to that?
Of course there’s the way one responds in a professional setting, which is to politely say something like, “Hmmm, that’s an interesting perspective. Why do you feel that way?” That’s basically what I said to this coworker, but it’s not what I was thinking.
What I really wanted to say was, “I don’t mean to be indelicate here, but YOU’RE NUTTIER THAN A SQUIRREL TURD! Don’t tell me I’m selfish for having children, you Madelyn Cain wanna be! I’ve got at least two fingers that smell like Desitin 24/7—and I hope that’s all they smell like! Why don’t you come on over here and smell them, Doctor Phil, then tell me how selfish I am!”
But let’s be realistic. Not only is this coworker of mine far from alone in his views, he’s increasingly not alone in his willingness to proclaim them. The BBC reports that, “Not so long ago, all women without children were known as childless. Nowadays, a growing number of women are insisting on the term childfree - with its emphasis on liberation.”
Ah liberty, how noble and wholly intoxicating! Without diapers and onsies to purchase, and with discretionary time aplenty, the self-emancipated can afford that sexy European sedan, settle into their deluxe accommodations with their life partner and two miniature poodles, and indulge themselves with daily double-yuppichino lattes. In fine, the childfree can bring home the organic, locally produced soy-bacon, fry it up in a pan and eat every single piece of it themselves.
The only problem with all this is that it’s transparently selfish. So while you’d think the childfree would go happily on their emancipated way, many don’t. Seems there’s a small matter of conscience to deal with first. Hence, sites like Childfree.net bluntly proclaim, “In our opinion, it seems that all of the reasons for having children are selfish.” Walking away from children is a good start, but to fully expunge any perceived selfishness and assuage any guilt, the childfree have to turn the tables on parents like me. Thus, not only are the childfree NOT selfish, but I am. Guilt assuaged.
Buttressing this obtuse thesis, The Daily Mail tells the story of Toni Vernelli, who maintains that, "having children is selfish. It's all about maintaining your genetic line at the expense of the planet. Every person who is born uses more food, more water, more land, more fossil fuels, more trees and produces more rubbish, more pollution, more greenhouse gases, and adds to the problem of over-population." Toni was sterilized at age 27 to “save the planet” by reducing her carbon footprint. I personally think it’s a shame her parents weren’t as environmentally committed.
The same article features the story of Mark Hudson, who explains to moral drifters like myself that, "It would be morally wrong for me to add to climate change and the destruction of Earth. [My wife] and I don't need children to feel complete. What makes us happy is knowing that we are doing our bit to save our precious planet. That's why I had a vasectomy.”
Well let me ask you something Mr. Snippety-snip. Who are you, Toni and my co-worker saving the planet for? Unless your rejoinder is ‘aliens from outer space’ there’s but one answer here: You’re saving he planet for that segment of the human population who chooses to procreate and populate the planet. In other words, for selfish, immoral and unenlightened people like me and my earth-wrecking progeny. And in the process, you’re also removing yourself from the gene pool. I’m not sure who hands out the Darwin Awards, but if I were you I'd start working on my acceptance speech.
I don’t mean to seem callous toward environmental concerns. In fact, I take environmental stewardship seriously. But unlike my co-worker and his ilk, I understand that my children are more than the human equivalent of cattle. Yes, they’ll leave a carbon footprint, but they’ll also be well-educated and ready to contribute to society and help solve its problems. They may well be part of a much more intelligent, less dramatic solution to climate change than sterilization.
A vasectomy—if it truly is for the sake of the planet—is a complete copout. Anybody who’s genuinely concerned about climate change should get in the game and do something constructive, rather than committing genetic suicide. But it’s not really about the planet, is it? It’s about the fact that kids are a lot of work. Sacrifice. Time. Money. Patience. Unconditional love. And in our consumer society, that price is too high for some—especially when it eats into their double yuppichino latte fund.
So do I think that couples who decide not to have children are selfish? Barring special circumstances, yes I do. Now, if you disagree with me and don’t want to have kids for whatever reason, that’s fine. The species propagation bus stops here and you’re welcome to jump off. But do have the decency and good sense not to make the overtly twisted and pathetic argument that I’m selfish for having children.
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