So you've got a dog, or a cat, or several of either, and you like to tell people that, since you've chosen not to have kids, these are your "children." Maybe you fancy the way it rolls off the tongue, or enjoy the put-upon feeling of responsibility that it imparts, or crave the sense of warmth and devotion you're sure it imbues your public persona.Well, let me do you a favor. In fact, let me do you, me and so many, many others a favor. Here it is: They're not your kids. Not even remotely close. They're not kids at all (unless they're goats). They're animals. And besides driving people like me who actually do have real children crazy, the only thing that referring to your pets as your kids garners you is the well deserved pity of others.
Hey, I'm not anti-pet. I had pets growing up, they were great, I loved them. But best case scenario, referring to your pet as your child makes you seem lonely and sad. Like the kind of person who, in later years, will make local headlines when the police remove 93 cats from your two bedroom apartment and cart them off to the animal shelter. The portion of the police report they quote online will talk about how the floor was two inches deep in newspaper and feces. Now, I'm not saying that's going to happen to you just because you call your dog your "baby," but I'm also not gonna lie--every time you say it the image does flash through my mind.
Worst case scenario, you're not only sad, you're offensive. If you really, truly believe that your pets are the apples-to-apples equivalent of children, and you want to insert your "kids" into the conversation any time the real parents are talking about our real kids, that's just not cool. It chafes. You see what you're doing there? Yep, your putting your pug on the same level as my daughter and two sons. Just so we're clear: Your pets and my kids--not even remotely equal. The relationship you have with your pets and the relationship I have with my kids--not even remotely equal. Not in magnitude, not in quality, not in nature, not in intensity. And if you don't realize that...sad. But see, deep down I gotta believe that you really do realize it and you choose to make the implied comparison anyway. And that's offensive.
Of course, if you want to be simultaneously offensive and ridiculous, then don't limit yourself to talking. Feed your dog human junk food 'til it's clinically obese (just like the human kids!), then get its doctor (aka vet) to put it on a diet. And by all means go out there and put some serious money down on pet apparel. Don't scrimp--pimp that puppy out! Dress it up in an outfit so bodacious that even your pet is thinking, "What the..." For the full effect, of course, you'll want multiple outfits. Oh, and one for halloween that puts every kid in the neighborhood to shame. Cuz your kid deserves the best. He won't be going to Harvard on account of he's too busy drooling and licking himself, but your baby-waby will dang sure be the best dressed kid in the neighborhood.
